Dream.... Or puke my nerves out

I race in 4 hrs. And so I've had the past 5 or so hours to fret about it. To feel like I want to vomit and pee my pants. To sit in Dave's kitchen and cry about all the terror that this change is bringing to me. To wonder what Colorado girls are like now that I've arrived here to race. In short, to loose my shit in no less than seventeen different ways.

I've been in Denver for the last few days doing school stuff, and after spending a few days on campus I know the decision I made was right. Both Ambassador Chris Hill and General George Casey have spent time expressing how excited they are for me to be there and inviting me to come sit in on their classes. The director of the Sie Center has invited me to interview for a research position to work with Secretary Rice. The work I've done professionally the past decade is paying off. The right movers and shakers are noticing.

But I still can't help from experiencing gut wrenching breakdowns on a fairly regular basis. This may largely be due to the fact that I have no idea what I want to do after school so I channel my angst and anxiety into this like a training Crit in Colorado.

A few years ago I got a fortune at a silly chain Chinese restaurant:

I carried this around with me for quite a while. It sat in my wallet until it was a shred of paper. I kept it because I know that I am a doer, and I always wanted to be seen as a dreamer. Holding on to this, I clinged to the hope that my does were actually a result of dreams. But try as I may, I had a hard time ever thinking of any of my accomplishments as starting as a dream. They always seemed things expected. Graduating from Georgetown, racing a boat, earning my commission and wings, flying attack helicopters, leading members of congress around the world, escorting 4star generals to meetings with congressmen, racing my bike, getting accepted to the top 5 grad programs in the country, earning a fellowship... All these things happened because there wasn't an option for them to not. Maybe vision and determinations are different than dreams, of maybe I'm not giving dreams enough credit.

Or maybe I should dream of simpler things, like how cute my shoes look next to another pair

And learn to realize that these things take doing as well. Maybe my dreams don't have to encompass what's going to happen after school just yet, and can focus on figuring out what to cook for dinner next week since I'll have someone to cook for for a few more days.

Or to not die of altitude deprivation racing today. Cause I still have to go race my bike in 4 hrs....

And if I don't dream about something there's a distinct possibility that the nervous energy I have right now will cumbust into an outburst capable of powering the state of Colorado.