More than Words

"They're just words."  They were "taken out of context."

Political campaigns frequently rely on a war of words, and especially love isolated soundbites (remember the 47%?) that are campaign-sinking.  However, this campaign seems to be producing far more of these than any from our past (I haven't done the actual analysis, so its just my educated guess here).  This month alone there have been two, in particular, that have caused the national gasp-o-meter to work overtime (along with several young press staffers clambering to get out statements for their republican bosses).

The first came on October 3, 2016, at a town hall answering a question about veteran suicide.  Donald Trump made the statement "when people come back from war and combat, they see things that maybe a lot of folks in this room have seen many times over.  And you're strong and you can handle it."

The second emerged in the form of a video tape taken in 2005 on the set of Access Hollywood, where Donald Trump and Billy Bush are over heard having the following conversation: 

Trump: I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her.  You know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful - I just start kissing them.  It's like a magnet.  Just kiss.  I don't even wait.  And when you're a star, they let you do it.  You can do anything. 

Bush: Whatever you want. 

Trump: Grab 'em by the pussy.  You can do anything.

Both comments, in their isolation, are horrendous.  And I have a personal connection to both.  As a combat veteran, I haven't always been able to "handle it."  I have done things for this country that I have been given accolades and awards for, yet they have led me into self-destructive behavior, and ultimately out the other side where my strength came from seeking help.  I am also the survivor of rape, by someone who believe that his position, his stardom if you will, allowed him to grab me "by the pussy."  

But this isn't just about me, and my visceral response to these words.  The defense of these words is what I'm concerned with, and how they highlight a growing divide among Americans.  In both these cases, Donald Trump's words have been defended by high-level officials and average Americans across social media platforms.  They've been excused away as "just words."  Or "not as bad as X that Hillary Clinton did."  Or "taken out of context."  Dismissals like this, however, not only fail to hold the speaker accountable, they undermine and dismiss the experiences of the groups targeted by this speech.  In particular, Donald Trump has continually highlighted both the ever-growing civilian-military divide, and the prevalence of patriarchal rape culture in the US.  

"Strength" and the Citizen Soldier

Over the past 15 years, the growing "gulf" between civilian citizens and members of the US military has gained increased attention.  With less than 0.4% of the population serving in the military at any one point in time, very few Americans have a personal connection to a service member.  Concurrent to the shrinking number of Americans serving, the US has been embroiled in its longest war, resulting in multiple combat deployments for many of us who do serve.  

When asked to describe members of the military, "strength" is a typically near the top of the list for positive and desirable attributes.  And with good reason.  Being in the military requires great strength - both physical and mental.  We want people who are strong carrying out violence on behalf of our government.  It is why throughout basic training, strength is constantly reinforced.  It is why we're broken, and rebuilt into physically and mentally hardened instruments of political violence.    

But at what point is "strength" harmful?  In the day-to-day operations of war, we (as a collective society) ask our women and men in uniform to do things that would be immoral, illegal, and unspeakable in any other context.  We laud these actions as "heroic" and plaster them on the big screen for our collective war porn pleasure.  We believe that we're honoring the troops by continually praising the violence they did.  We use it as a point of conversation (just yesterday, I got a call from a reporter for a story and his first questions were "did you take fire? Did you return fire?  How many people did you kill? It must have been awesome!").  The civilian population often forgets that those of us who choose to serve are also human beings, and that at some point the "strength" it takes to do the profession of violence becomes quite a burden to bear.  The "strength" it takes to shut off our morals and sense of justice and engage in the act of ending another human life at some point feels more like a curse. And it takes a great deal of strength to return home and assimilate into civilian life, where the things that we've had to do are unspeakable.  It's the conversation about war civilians prefer not to have (with good reason), but is incredibly necessary for the moral healing of our country.  

In realizing this, the military has become active in launching several mental health campaigns, invoking the "strength of a warrior."  It takes strength to seek help, to confront what you have done, lived through, and seen.  Strength is not "handling" it, or pretending that everything is ok.      

So why does this matter with regards to Donald Trump's comments?  Unlike some, I don't think he was being overtly malicious.  But he was being dangerously ignorant.  The psychological and physiological effects of having to wear the strength of a warrior in combat are real.  And while it is true that everyone is impacted differently by them, there comes a point when "handling it" just doesn't happen anymore.  (A review of the literature on PTSD onset shows that the length of delay between traumatic event and symptoms of PTSD is incredibly varied, making the linking of strength and "dealing with it" even more problematic, as someone who is dealing with it today, may not be tomorrow.)        

When asked why they do not seek mental health treatment even when they feel they need it, a statistically signify percentage of veterans cite that receiving treatment "means I am weak."  Donald Trump's words reinforce this belief.  Whether he knew it or not, equating "strength" with "handling it" sends a powerful and dangerous message to a population that is fixated on being strong.  It divides veterans, and combat veterans in particular, along a trait that is central to their identity.  By only invoking strength in those who "handle" trauma in a way that outwardly manifests as "dealing with it," he has undermined all of the work military leaders and mental health professionals have done on promoting proper mental health care.   

Even more problematic than Trump (a man who has seemed to make offensive statements a habit) uttering these words is the response from every-day Americans coming to his defense.  In the aftermath of this statement, my Facebook feed was filled with people, primarily civilians, defending him.  They cried that his words were taken "out of context," or that his statement really was "one of caring."  In response I shared my own story of how believing that strength meant "dealing with it" led me to destructive behavior.  I spoke of tasting the barrel of a 9mm and sitting in my bathroom with bottles of pills and Jack Daniels.  Such comments were dismissed as "my opinion," as they doubled down on their defense of "you're strong and you can handle it."  

While these were my experiences, the destructive effects of equating strength and "handling" it are hardly my opinion alone.  Research on barriers to mental health care and found that the "stigmatizing" view of mental health care has resulted in less than 10% of veterans getting the help they need.  It is hard enough to break through to veterans when they feel that this stigma is coming from their fellow service members.  But with civilian citizens parroting this false narrative, these barriers will become even more insurmountable, and the civil-military divide grow even more.  These words are more than just words, for many of us they are the difference between life and death.  

My Pussy is not your Property 

On October 7, the pussy grab heard round the world was exposed.  By now, everyone has heard the audio.  Thankfully, the response to this egregious action has been swift, with republican officials condemning Trump.  

However, once again, there has been a strong contingent standing by, and even doubling down, on the acceptability of his speech.  They were "just words," "distractions" from the real issues.  Blame has been deflected by pointing to Bill Clinton's actions, or dismissed as "locker room" banter.  These dismissals and deflections are both horrendous on their own, and even more disturbing when viewed as a larger reflection of the culture we live in.  

By deflecting responsibility in pointing to Bill Clinton's action, Trump's champions are continuing a long standing patriarchal tradition of not holding men responsible for their actions.  What Bill Clinton did may have been bad, but it doesn't make what Trump said any less bad, nor does it excuse Trump's actions.  Last I checked Trump was an autonomous human being who alone chose to engage in that behavior.  And alone believed it was appropriate.  Bill Clinton wasn't some grand puppet master feeding him lines.  

The refusal to hold men accountable, and to allow them to deflect and dismiss this language and behavior is why we get judges concerned about the "emotional injury"perpetrators of rape may receive if they are sentenced to jail time.  It is what leads to 1 in 3 women being assaulted in their lives. It is what led a man to honestly believe that he had a right to my pussy because of his position and my prior relationship with him.   (And, as an aside, it's also what leads people to say that Hillary Clinton is somehow responsible for Bill's actions ... a form of victim blaming that be better addressed in its own post).  

Talk leads to action, and every person who says that it is "just talk," they are complicit in the perpetuation of the idea that consent doesn't matter.  My dear friend Shannon Galpin address this far better than I ever could, so rather than ramble on, I am going to point you to her post here. (Honestly, Read it) before you go on any further with this piece.  

More than Words 

We've heard a lot about words this election.  We need to stop treating words like empty syllables.  Words have meaning, especially when strung together.  Words have the power to unite, but recently they have been used to divide.  So rather than defending the indefensible words, take some time to listen to those affected by them.  Understand why they hurt.  Lift your veil of ignorance and explore the discomfort they bring.  Healing, unifying, and bridging the gaps that these words are causing is not going to be easy, but it is necessary.  

Response to Donald Trump's comment on the Khan Family

Dear Representative Greg Walden,

On July 28^th, Mr. Khizr Khan took the stage at the Democratic National Convention.  He spoke in memory of his son, US Army Captain Humayun Khan, killed in service to this country.  I can only imagine the courage it takes as a gold star family to stoically take the stage at such an event.  As a veteran myself, I have lost several friends.  I attended more funerals before the age of 30 than most Americans will attend in their lifetime.  None were direct family members, yet I still have a hard time talking about them without breaking down.  Watching the Khan family on stage that night, I was in awe of not only Mr. Khan’s articulate nature, but also Mrs. Ghazala Khan’s ability to remain composed while faced with images of her dead child. 

Party conventions are historically a time for pomp and parade, and appeals to patriotism.  They tug at our emotional connection to this country and call upon the values that have allowed America to continue to develop into a truly great nation.  And while you may disagree with Mr. Khan’s endorsement for president, you cannot deny the sacrifices of his family, nor claim that his son was not part of what makes America great. 

However Mr. Walden, the nominee of your party doesn’t see it this way.  Mr. Donald Trump stated that his sacrifice of money is equal to that of a human life.  He ridiculed a grieving mother for her emotion, belittling her faith in the process.  This is a man who believes he is qualified to be the Commander in Chief of armed services, and preserve the Constitution, a document that protects the Khan’s freedom to worship in this country.  If my time serving in combat as an officer in the United States Marine Corps taught me anything, it is that the most important qualities in a commander are humility and empathy.  You must know the individuals you are leading into war and recognize that behind each political decision is a group of human beings required to carry it out.  Mr. Trump has shown time and time again that he lacks both the temperament and the breadth of understanding required to be trusted with our country’s most precious assets – the women and men who have volunteered to protect it. 

Mr. Walden: You are Oregon’s sole Republican voice on the national stage.  You represent a district with one of the largest per capita veteran populations in our country.  Many of us, myself included, have intentionally come here for the resources and community that Central Oregon offers.  I truly believe the State of Oregon represents the best of the country that individuals like Captain Khan and myself fought to protect.

It is why I call on you now to publically condemn the statements by your party’s nominee.  These statements do not reflect the values of patriotism, liberty, duty and honor to country that the Republican Party has historically stood for.  Please take this moment to show the thousands of Oregon veterans – and all the people who support us – that despite the rhetoric of your party’s chosen leader, you still honor us and respect the sacrifices of those who volunteered to protect your way of life.  The world remains an unpredictable and dangerous place.  With thousands of US troops still deployed abroad, the next President will be charged with tough decisions that impact the lives of our young women and men in service.  The unfortunate reality is the President will also have to continue to console gold star families.  Donald Trump’s rash comments show that in no way is he fit to handle the responsibility of commanding our military and caring for the lives of our brave service members.  Oregon, and our nation, deserve better Mr. Walden.  Now is not the time to remain silent. 

Respectfully,

Kyleanne Hunter

Bend, OR

Maj, USMC      

Dear Dan Turner

Dear Dan Turner,

You don't know me.  However, like millions of Americans, I read the letter you wrote about your son, Brock.  And after reading it, I'm pretty sure I know you.  I'm not going to rip you apart for not considering the life of the woman your son raped.  I know you love your son, and that you mourn the fact he will never be the same.  And that is your right as a parent.  I'm also not here to question your parenting.  You clearly gave your son all the best that you could - he ended up swimming at one of the premier athletic and educational institutions in this country after all.  I'm not here to call you names, or accuse you of being the face of rape culture.  I'm not coming after you with pitchforks to burn you in the town square.  That's been done.  I can only imagine what the past few days have been like for you and your family.

So Dan, I'm not here to crucify or to ridicule you, but to talk to you, because I know you.

You see, Dan, I was raped by a man much like your son.  He was a good boy.  He had a promising future.  He was a varsity athlete from a good school.  He came from a good family with loving parents.  He could have gone on to a powerful corporate career or taken a run at professional ball, but he chose to join the military and serve his country.  He didn't have a criminal record before he raped me.  He was a poised to do great things.  But, he decided to rape me instead.

Like you, Dan, the father of this man loved his son.  So much so that he wrote me a letter.  In it, he detailed his son's dreams.  His son's possibilities.  Like you, he lamented the fact his son would become a registered sex offender, that he would lose his career, that he would cease to enjoy life the way he once did.  So Dan, I know you.  I've met you.  I've heard your pleas.

What I also know about you, Dan, is that you're likely ignorant to your own privilege.  Before recent events unfolded, neither you nor your son had to give much of a second thought to anything you did.  You could occupy space in public without fear of repercussions to your physical, emotional, or economic safety.  By random circumstance of birth, you were both born white males in a country where white males hold the power.  You have the privilege to be blissfully ignorant to what it is to be on the lesser end of that power system.  You have the privilege to have lived your life never having to know what it is to feel weak, helpless, or endangered simply by existing as the person you are.

Dan, I write to you because I know you wrote the letter about your son out of fear.  For once you feared you may no longer have the upper hand.  Your son is no longer free to occupy space in this world in a position of innate power.  Dan, this is the fear that millions of people in this country face every day.  Yet there is one difference between them and you.  Your son made a conscious choice that stripped him of his power.  It wasn't taken from him unjustly.  He wasn't born into a station that denies him opportunity.  No Dan, he raped another human being, and that carries consequences.  You don't have the right to demand that that piece of information be overlooked.

But you do have a right to be fearful, Dan.  And perhaps this is an opportunity for you to better understand your privilege.  That fear you feel?  That ache that your child will be forever stigmatized? That he may never get to live life to the potential you know he has?  That is a fear that millions of parents of daughters have every day.  That is the fear that the black, hispanic, Muslim, and queer parents have every day.  They fear that their child will never be able to achieve their goals, live up to their potential.  But there is a difference, Dan.  Your son chose to give you that fear.

And you, too, had a choice, Dan.  You could have chosen to step back and realize that this is what life without privilege feels like.  You could have gained empathy.  But you chose to fight tooth and nail for your power.  You still refuse to understand that this power given to you by your birth is a privilege, not a right.  Your son abused that power, and you are suffering the consequences.  You have a right to be sad for your son, to fear for him, but not to ask for that power back.

Dan, I will conclude by telling you the same thing that I told the father of the man who made a choice to rape me.  The actions of your son don't make you a bad parent, but your follow up actions prove your ignorance.  I don't expect you to have compassion for me or the woman your son chose to rape.  I have no intention of telling you the impact that it has had on my life.  But it is time for you to have a long, hard, look at your privilege.  Neither you nor your son deserve the status society bestowed on you by birthright.  Realize that as millions of us fight and claw to gain the recognition and access your son had merely by being born a white male, he threw it all away by making the decision to rape someone.

So, Dan, welcome to the side of the powerless.