Riding into the Ivory Tower

The past few years I have used bike racing as an escape from my life.  Bad day at the office? Intervals were a cure.  Unappreciated at work?  My teammates needed me for a leadout.  Frustrated with a feeling of spinning my wheels and going nowhere?  Well there's always a race this weekend.  

I've met incredible people racing my bike.  My best friends, the love of my life, kindred spirits and sisters from another mother.  The bike has given me an instant community wherever I've moved.  It has saved my life in my darkest times.  I love my bike, everything it represents.  

However as the 2013 season approaches, I feel much different than in the past few years.  Last year, I wanted nothing more than for race season to start because I needed something to validate me.  "Dear god get me out of the office and onto my bike" was all I could think.  And while I love my bike, and I've spent a solid winter training, as I approach this season, it is much different.  

First, I love my research.  I have a thesis topic that I want to dive into.  I am foregoing the first race of the Colorado calendar so I can spend my weekend crafting my research proposal.  

Second, I have found a home and a community in academia.  I have a director of the research center who was excited about my research as I was.  In the past two weeks I have been interviewed by  GQ, The New York Times, and the Korbel School's own media outlets about my work, past military life, and current research.  A year ago I dreamed of the covershot on velonews... today I geek out about op/eds being posted on political violence blogs and The Monkey Cage.  Last year I wanted the letters p-r-o affiliated with my name.  Today I want the letters p-h-d.  

Bicycle, I will always love you.  And I will treat every race with the respect it deserves and work my hardest to win.  But academia, you are my new home.  I can only hope that the past decade has prepared me for you.   

It takes an Outrage.

In 1992, thanks to outraged spurred by Anita Hill's accusations of then-nominee Clarence Thomas in front of a panel of male senators, a record-breaking 4 women were elected to the US Senate.  This unprecedented election led to the year being dubbed "The Year of the Woman."  20 years later, Congress had another record-breaking year for women, bringing the number in the Senate above 20 and in the House nearly 80.  In the London Olympics, the women of the United States won 29 medals, a count that would have put them in third overall if they were a country on their own.  A women was named CEO of Yahoo!, and a woman was awarded the Woodrow Wilson award for best book on politics and international affairs.  There is a woman as the Secretary of State, and driving in NASCAR.
However, tragically, it is not this positive news that has led many to call 2012 the "Next Year of the Woman."  All of these positive contributions and achievements were overshadowed by the controversy surrounding all things women this year.
Anne-Marie Slaughter wrote passionately that women can't have it all (something I already addressed), Congress repeatedly politicized women's reproductive rights, political candidates tried to legitimize rape, a young girl was shot in the face for going to school, the realities of gang-rape cover ups were thrust front and center in the US, India and throughout the world.  Oh yea, and Lance Armstrong's most egregious confession apparently centered on whether or not he called Betsy Andreu fat.
There has been little that has polarized the American public like the place and rights of women.  Suddenly everyone had an opinion.  Talk radio junkies called college students sluts and whores; the New York Times was concerned with the Secretary of State's hair; the DoD's announcement of the opening of Combat roles to women was met with jokes about PMS.
Throughout my life, I have had a bit of an involuntary adverse reaction to the term "feminism."  To me, it always seems academic, detached, and removed from the hardship and ugliness of reality.  It was the realm of those who studied "women's studies" but were afraid to venture outside the classroom.  The word for those who like to protest "egregious wrongs" but prefer to live in the comfort of their suburban bubble than take on the pain of the fight.  Feminism has become a water-downed term to make people who want to feel good about themselves able to do so without taking any risk.  It gives social and political clout without possibility of failure or loss.
For 2013, I hope we, as woman, can take on the challenge to return outrage-spurred action to feminism.  If 2012 was proposed to be the new Year of the Women due to the negative controversy surrounding women in the press, I hope 2013 can be the real Year of the Women due to action.
To launch my part in this, I am excited to have a part of Shannon Galpin's new endeavor, Combat Apathy.  Focused by the slogan "it takes an army," Combat Apathy is rooted in action.  It is rooted in outrage.  It is rooted in woman who have committed their lives to letting their doing doing the talking.  It is comprised on women who are not perfect, but defy the notion that they can't have it all; women who have been told to "reevaluate their life choices" and keep on living; women who fully embody the sacrifices they have made to pursue the life other only study as a social experiment.
Hillary Clinton famously coined the phrase "it takes a village".  For 2013, I propose that "it takes and outrage."  For every outrage produced by the media stories of 2012, let there be action in 2013.  Let the focus be on women doing, rather than women being pawns.  Let it be full of stories of the power of women in the political, athletic and academic arena.  Let us show what action outrage can spur, and make a real year of the women.  

Those who should, will

Secretary Panetta lifted the ban on women on combat roles.  The Washington Post calls this a "watershed policy change that was informed by women’s valor in Iraq and Afghanistan and that removes the remaining barrier to a fully inclusive military."

Given my time spent as an AH-1W pilot in the Marine Corps, my phone, email, Facebook, twitter, etc has been bombarded with questions about how I feel about this.  So rather than answer everyone individually, below, I wrap up all question and give my response. 

First, a disclaimer.  I am no longer in the Marine Corps.  The views, idea, feeling, rants, offensive comments, off color remarks, or general pissyness are mine and mine alone.  They do not reflect the the views of the Corps, or University of Denver.  So, with that aside, here I go. 

Historically, the central question of the women in combat debate has been “are women physically capable of performing the duties required for combat?” This question is quickly and easily answered.  Objectively, women are increasingly proving themselves as physically capable as men.  In both endurance events and tests of strength-to-weight, women are evening the playing field and living up to what has been thought of as “mens standards.”  Women have also proven themselves tactically as capable as men in all objectively measurable fields. 

If these objective standards – how fast one can run, how much one can lift, how well one can shoot – were the only indicators of success in combat there would be no argument or debate; those meeting the standard would be inarguably successful.  However, success in combat units is determined by more than just objective abilities, and thus the debate deepens. It is universally accepted that the safety and success of our military units is paramount.  It is for this reason that I believe the debate needs to shift away from “are women capable” of serving to “are women a value added”.   This changes the argument from “can or cannot” to “should or should not”; a question that needs to be addressed top-down rather than bottom-up. 

Throughout the last decade-plus of the United States’ involvement in the conflicts encompassing the Global War on Terror, there is no arguing that women have found themselves “in combat situations.”  In these situations, women have shown valor, strength, leadership, fortitude, and upheld the values of honor, courage and commitment.  Many have given the ultimate sacrifice, and each and every one of them deserves a place in history and our hearts as a true hero. 

But being “in combat situations” is not the same as being a “combatant.”  Combatants are offensive.  Their mission is to close with and destroy the enemy.  They seek engagement.  Their primary purpose is to assert superiority over an enemy force. 

Having the technical and tactical skill to react properly when coming under fire during the performance of primary duties – whether it be an ambushed logistics patrol, FET team patrol, or MP checkpoint attack – provides a foundation of knowledge and experience necessary for the argument supporting a woman’s ability to be in combat.  However, mastery of this baseline alone does not necessarily equate to success of a woman in the role of a combatant. 

Successful combat units are a product of the intangible – the fabled esprit de corps – as much as technical and tactical proficiency.  This elusive intangible cannot be “trained in” to a recruit.  It cannot be taught in infantry school.  No amount of extra pushups, remedial weapons training or nights in the field ensure that it exists. 

Women are just as capable as men of developing the necessary esprit de corps.  But it cannot be forced.  I hope that in implementing these changes, no arbitrary timelines are put in place.  If it takes 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years or 2 decades for the right women to come into combat roles, so be it.  The US military is an all-volunteer force, and to respect that tradition, combat roles must be volunteer.  Quota systems will only set the work of every woman who has served back, by making light of the sacrifices involved in paving the paths they did.

I have the upmost trust that the DoD will set standards appropriately.  And I sincerely hope that the civilian oversight and general population will let this change grow organically and fruitfully, while respecting the grave responsibility for life given to each member of the US military. 

I can say from experience that the road for these women will not be easy.  I have chronicled much of my coming to grips with what my experience and service mean.  But I know that I, and all my sisters in arms, are more than capable to serve in all roles necessary for defense of this great nation.  Yet it will not be easy.  And hopefully the public will understand that in such a situation we all must be patient for the women who should emerge to lead our sons and daughters in arms, and not force them in their time.      

Calm in the Storm

I write as I am sitting between classes on my marathon day of Grad School.  I probably have some reading, some project, some something I should be doing to be a "good student."  But I need this hour to not completely fry my brain today.
I took on another job this week with Oceans Beyond Piracy, and organization I am beyond excited to be involved with.  I am still involved with Dr. Chenoweth's research, and taking a full-time load of classes.  And I recently had the privilege of becoming involved with Combat Apathy... but expect a full post on the awesomeness that is that in the near future.
And I am doing all I can to be supportive of Andy's bike shop endeavor, Golden's Newest hot spot, Rise Above Cycles.
Oh yea, and I'm trying to race my bike.

With all this going on, I have moments of thinking I'm biting off more than I can chew.  I have fears that I am not going to be a good student, researcher, employee, racer, partner, lover, friend.  I fear that my wide-eyed excitement of realizing that my experiences have positive and exciting implications for my professional future will lead me to isolation.

Especially around the new year, there is a lot of talk about balance.  About finding in in one's professional and personal endeavors, about shedding the negative, and "detoxifying" life choices.  The image most often associated with this is a quiet beach, or a flower, or a loan bird.
However, I prefer to think of is more like this:

I know I have taken on a lot.  But I also know that I have the strength to remain balanced.  For once I feel supported and confidant that going forward my decisions are wise.  

   

With a Bang and a Whimper

2012 taught me I suck at Blogging.  Maybe for 2013 I'll make it a resolution to do better.  Or maybe I'll stay sporadic with all of this.  
But, at the year ends, it is only natural to desire retrospectives and attempts at meaning.  So, with great thanks to Atis from whom I stole this, here is a guide to the year that was 2012 and that will be 2013... 

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

Trying to think of some epic firsts... but lets see.  I raced in Colorado, I got out of the Marine Corps, I let someone take care of me when I was hurt, I saw a meteor shower, I went back to school.  Nothing screams "OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT, IT WAS AWESOME" but all in all it was an accomplishment.  

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I kept about 1/3 of the ones I made for 2012.  2 of them are gonna have to hold over for 2013.  Other than that, I haven't thought too much about my 2013 ones, other than possibly communicate better with my coach (since I suck at it) and getting published again. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My cousin, this year.  My sister at the very end of 2011

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Give my previous line of work, I sadly loose someone who meant something to be more often than I would like. 

5. What countries/states did you visit?

I went on far too many road trips, encompassing South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Delaware, New York, New Jersey, Vermont, West Virginia, Ohio, Illinois, Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, Iowa, Michigan, Wyoming, Colorado, Utah, Nevada, California.  Done with car trips for the year (maybe 2013 is the year of none)

For work, I'll go by continents... North and South America, Europe, Asia... yea, that covers it enough... 

   

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

An idea of a job for when I'm done with school... 

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 15 - I got out of the Marine Corps

May 20 - I broke my arm 

June 10 - my first outside ride in Colorado

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Professionally, I transitioned out of the Marine Corps and became a Sie Fellow at the Korbel School at University of Denver.  

Personally, I completed, with arguable decent results, all NRC/NCC races I entered, despite a broken arm, cross country move and beginning to live at altitude. 

9. What was your biggest failure?

Burning bacon on a few occasions.  

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I broke my arm (see above).  Pretty much worst timing ever too.... 

But I got a cool purple cast that matched my kit when I was able to ride again. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

The Venge

Or the Mountain Bike

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

The PhD for whom I am a research assistant, Dr. Erica Chenoweth.  She won a kick-ass award and I am lucky to get to work with her.  

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

99% of the politicians.  From negative ads, to attacks on women and other groups, I am glad to be out of the Washington world. 

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bikes, moving.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Starting a new adventure as a student, in an incredibly awesome state. I am surrounded by great mentors and advisors and am excited about the potential for my future.  

I am also lucky to be in the company of the greatest man ever, and am incredibly excited about his future as a new bike shop owner.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

Call Me Maybe.  Or maybe Mana-Mana 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner
c) richer or poorer? Monetarily poorer... student life isn't exactly prosperous.  But personally, much richer

   

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Writing and Reading.  Never seems to be enough time for that. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Fretting about what people thought about my decisions.  I made some huge life decisions - professionally, personally and athletically.  I know not everyone agreed with them, and I spent a lot of time worrying that I was a disappointment. But I've found peace and happiness, so it's worth it. 

20. How did you spend Christmas?

My sister's house in Cali.

21. What was your favorite TV program?

We recently got an Apple TV... so Battle Star Galactia.  Currently running, however, would be Big Bang Theory

  

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Only the VA as an organization.  Other than that, I hate no one or nothing. 

23. What was the best book you read?

Professionally, Who Governs the Globe?

Personally, I'll throw a shout out to a friend.  I loved both War of the Seasons (now write #3!!!)

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

A crazy small bluegrass band at a friend's wedding. 

25. What did you want and get?

New bike.  School Fellowship

26. What did you want and not get?

My house was denied a sale on a short sale.  Instead I lost more than a year's salary on it. 

27. What was your favorite film of this year?

Argo.  Best movie I've ever seen.

28. What did you do on your birthday?

I was in Colorado for Discover Korbel.  I raced Boulder Roubaix and had dinner with my mom and sister and niece.   

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Getting to race Liberty Classic.  The broken arm was the week prior... 

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Everything from classic professional to spandex this year.  

31. What kept you sane?

Racing my bike, and playing with the adorable Jack Russels that are now a member of my family. 

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I wish I had a celebrity crush. But in the cycling world, I'm incredibly impressed with the work that Joe D and Evie Stevens did.  

Shannon Galpin's work is an inspiration from a mix of professional desires and personal passion. 

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

I found it very interesting how women were portrayed in this election - by both sides.  All I have to say is I look forward to the day when society calls women who pursued careers they believed in role models rather than disappointments to womanhood, and women who are successful inspirations rather than bitches.  As long as we're seen as an issue rather than valuable and necessary participants in society, however, this will never happen. 

  

34. Who did you miss?

All my DC friends... 

35. Who was the best new person you met?

Andy :)

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:

The world needs status quo breakers.  The world needs passionate dreamers.  The world needs souls willing to create the new paradigm.  Being this person is hard.  But hopefully worth it. 

2012 came and went.  And 2013 will inevitably begin.  As everyone looks to the superlatives this time of year, I am reminded of T.S. Elliot, and the end of his poem "The Hallow Men."     

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

For 2013 I will challenge myself to live with enough bangs, that the end will inevitably seem like a whimper in retrospect.  

Go World

I love the Olympics.  Everything about them.  I love that despite the deep political and social divisions wracking our country right now we can join together and cheer with a rancorous "USA USA" as our Nation's representatives push themselves to victory.  I love the spotlight brought upon the more obscure sports - archery, trampoline, shooting, etc - and those who dedicate their lives to perfection are, for a moment, rewarded with the eyes of the world.  It's the time when it's perfectly acceptable for a 300 pound man to cry his eyes out, and a 100 pound girl to hold us all on her shoulders.  It is truly magical.

Throughout the Olympics, we hear the word "fearless" over and over, as well.  And this strikes a chord.  Outsides often tell me I "must be fearless."  Whether it's for flying combat missions, breaking barriers in womens' roles, ice climbing, racing my bike, it gets thrown around a lot.  So hearing commentators throw the word around throughout coverage of the games got my ears perked up and me to reflecting on what truly is fearless about these games.  Sure, anyone getting up and competing on the international stage is fearless.  Balancing the real world with following your dream is fearless.  Making a game winning play, bridging to the race winning break, sticking the perfect landing require an athlete to shove fear to the dark recesses of the mind where they can't see the light of day.  Sport psychologists have spent years evaluating the minds of champions, and their ability to do this; but this is not the fearlessness that I have found inspiring in these games.  Look beyond the shimmer of the podium, and there you will see fearlessness.

Fearless is the women getting a cancer diagnosis today who watched Amber Neben race and decides not to sell her bike.  Fearless is Aurora, CO trading coverage of the acts of a despicable human being for the smiles and joy of Missy Franklin.  Fearless is the girl who finds her way off the streets and into the gym after watching the Fab 5.  Fearless is the teenager standing up to her molester after watching Kayla Harrison come forward with her story.  Fearless is the 10 year old an Kabul, or Doha, or Tripoli who puts on running shoes for the first time after seeing their country women line up toe to toe with the best in the world.  Fearless is training for the marathon on a 2 miles circuit because it is the only place in your country where you know you are safe from land mines.  Fearless is trusting a teammate with whom you were once engaged in civil war. 

Fearless is that once every four years the world can come together and respect hard work, discipline, and dedication.  Fearless is admitting that I (who cry and nothing) got a little misty watching Tahmina Kohistani take the starting blocks this morning, because maybe the fearlessness of one woman helped spark the fearlessness of another. 


Go Fearless.  Go World. 

I do, in fact, have it all

"Having it all."  There's been a lot of talk about this lately.  I've had numerous people send me Anne-Marie Slaughter's article.  Some just out of curious inquiries as to my thoughts, some with a "see-I-told-you-so" smugness.  And today's announcement of Marissa Mayer - a pregnant women - being named Yahoo!'s CEO sent my inbox all a twitter again with "what do you think about that?!?!"s.  The first round of all of this, in response to Slaughter's unsolicited open letter of advice to all female professionals left me a little amused.  And honestly wanting to talk about it with a few of the [more respectful] pings to my inbox.  But this second round has left me a tad annoyed.  And pondering the definition of "having it all."

Who decided that "it all" included being a wife and mother?  And that those who were not were intrinsically lacking some gene and therefore not complete or satisfactory as a woman?  And, more importantly, when did become socially acceptable to use this idea of "it all" as a lens through which every woman over the age of 30 must be viewed?  In an age where we tote ourselves on being socially accepting of all creeds, colors and lifestyles, society still judges the childless as somehow sub-par or unfulfilled.  Having children is a choice.  I respect those who choose it.  But it's not my choice.  So, to my friends with children, before you assert "you'll understand when you have kids" to someone, take a moment and consider what they may ask you.

I have never asserted to my stay at home mother friends "oh you'll understand when you go to war."  Or when their husbands annoy them "oh you'll understand when you don't have one."  These are choices I've made.  Not choices I impose on others.  Nor a lens through which I view them.

It's 2012.  And about time the June Cleaver ideal of "it all" is in need of change. 

At no time when I was flying Cobras did I think, "gee, a baby would make things better right now."  So I guess I've already failed at having it all.  I should have given up there.  Not pursued further professional qualifications in the Cobra.  And I definitely shouldn't have pursued my job at the liaison office.  Or racing bikes.  Because those long hours in the office, work trips, and training rides would interfere with pregnancies, feedings and soccer games.  Again.  Failure at "it all."

However what if I were to argue that, I do, in fact "have it all."  Because I have a man who loves me as much as I love him.  And we're equal partners.  And I have a career in the Marines I can look back on with pride, as I served my country well.  I am a part of one of the primer graduate programs in the country.  I line up against the best women in the country on the bike (and sometimes men) several times a week.  I have childless girlfriends who are PhDs, scientists, artists, lawyers, doctors, ambassadors.  They race bikes, row boats, climb mountains.  They are published authors and business owners.  And while our conversations wander into the "what if" or the "I want" parts of life, it is never a lament about how we're missing something, but a celebration of how we are going to be able to cram more into "it all."

I am not disparaging those who have made the choice to be domestic.  It is a choice and a noble and necessary pursuit.  But it is not "it all."  It's something.  It's an option.  But those who choose a career or passion are not missing something.

In the past few months, I have spent quite a bit of time pondering what my time in the Marine Corps meant.  I was constantly hounded with questions of sacrifice, and what I had given up to serve.  Yes, I did "give up" quite a bit.  But it was a choice.  Every choice has consequences, and every consequence shapes us.  My consequences have taught me more about what "it all" is.  And what it isn't.

So, for now I'm going to go race my bike.  And pursue my education.  And further my career.  And face every day as a new adventure with my partner.  And wake up thinking, damn, I have it all.