Everything to gain?

It's probably a good thing not a lot of people read this. Because I may just say too much. With all this getting out of the Marine Corps, moving to a new state, become a student again, racing a lot things going on, I can't help reflecting on choices made, opportunities siezed and missed, and the could of would of should of of life.

My sister and her adorable daughter and my mom were here this weekend. My sister is an amazing mother. She has seamlessly slid into the role. She loves little Ella and lives for her. My mother, too, dotes on the baby, and my sister as the mother of her granddaughter.

But that will never be my life. For both reasons of choices I made myself and those fate made for me, I won't be giving my mother any grandchildren. And while I love being an aunt - getting to introduce little Ella to her first bike, horse, and birthday party - I don't ache for a child of my own to complete me. I ache to race my bike fast. To get my thesis accoepted. To get noticed by an ASD or undersecretary for my ability to contribute to the countrys strategic needs.

And this, somehow, makes me the bad guy as far as women in society are concerned. Sure, mothers tout strong childless women as good role models - examples to their daughters that the sky is the limit - but never want their sons to marry them. Men praise and yes ms'am them at work, but whisper unfounded rumors about their private lives at cocktail parties. Objectively, I've achieved much in the past dozen years of my life. People like to tout those accomplishments, blatantly ignoring that none of them would have been possible had I taken the traditional womanly path.

A dear friend told me the other day "you've lost nothing by kicking life's ass and racing your bike fast." And quickly added "you've probably gained everything.". Well for sweet little Ella's sake, I hope so. Because whatever path she chooses, I hope that neither shoves her into the corner of being the bad guy. She's my niece, and namesake, so if she has everything to gain from what I've done, then it was worth it.